According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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