Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
