Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
