Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
