remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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