how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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