Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
