We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
