two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
