My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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