My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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