im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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