my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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