she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
