Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
