I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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