my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
