I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
