i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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