I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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