she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
