just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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