i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
