i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
