first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
