i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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