that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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