Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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