Don't make out with my wife yet
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
