Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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