youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
