I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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