Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
