I wish you could order shots online.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
