i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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