she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
