Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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