can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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