bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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