My hand turned me down
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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