I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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