I faked an abortion last night.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
