I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
