Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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