Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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