When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
