I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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