haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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