I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize