I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
