That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
