our cab driver is having phone sex.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
