I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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