he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
