you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
