I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
