The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize